If you’ve read any of my stories, chances are you’ve noticed an interest in BDSM and Kink. Well, Mostly I write from the ‘newbies’ point of view, because that’s what I am. I don’t live the lifestyle or anything like that. I just have lots of kinky fantasies. So, I do a lot of research as my stories and characters get more into it. (A BDSM Glossary can be found here.)
And this month I want to share some of what I’ve found with you. I, personally, am fascinated by it. Human sexuality, in all it’s ways, has always fascinated me. Yet, as I dig into this more and more I find that the people involved in BDSM and Kink are so much more in touch with themselves than most of us.
First up is an interview with Raven. A wonderful lady who has been very open and helpful to me, and a submissive at heart.
Sasha: So Raven, how did your interest in BDSM come about?
Raven: There wasn’t a day that I realized, “I want to know more about BDSM”. There has always been an interest. When I was young and played with Barbies, they were often kidnapped and held hostage and then they would fall madly in love with her captor. As I grew older, I role-played a bit but it felt fake to me and I wanted to know more. About 2 years ago, a coworker and I started a conversation and she happened to have been Domme. She turned me on to Alt and the rest is history!
Sasha: Did you know you were submissive right from the start, or was there a time when you had fantasies of being dominant as well?
Raven: It took me a long time to understand that I was submissive. I’ve always been assertive and have an issue with people pushing me around. I push back. I look the part of a Domme, can act the part of a Domme…but I am not Domme. My heart isn’t in it. What I was doing was wearing a costume of Dominance over my “birthday suit” of submissiveness. When I learned more about it, I saw that my need for giving, making someone happy, comfortable, pleased, etc were all a part of it. And while I can make my own decisions and guide myself, it is a relief to have someone there looking out for the best for you. I’ve become comfortable that I am a strong submissive…truthfully, that is the only way to be. It takes courage and strength to be able to give all that you have to give to another person.
Sasha: Is it strictly a sexual thing for you?
Raven: As disappointing as it may seem, sex is the icing on the cake to the lifestyle. For me, it is about depth in relationships, nurturing, growth, and learning. The sex is a small component but it is certainly yummy! I had sex with a vanilla person after a year of non-vanilla sex and it reminded me that you can’t go back!
Sasha: Do you/can you be submissive with any lover, or is it something that comes when you have the right connection with a partner?
Raven: I love this question about to whom am I submissive to since it has really made me think. I’ve picked up on the energy of people and can determine if they are Dom/me, sub or neither. Without even realizing it, I will change how I interact with them. I notice with Dominants I’m more coy, I do more to serve them and I’m more deferential. With subs, I often will help guide. There are little things that I do that remind me of my submissiveness no matter who it is. I realized that when I was serving my boss (who I don’t even like!) some tea that he likes before he asked for it. Even having a person over to my house and making sure they are taken care of are small indications of who I am. Now, if someone is obnoxious and rude, I pull out that trusty Domme costume and make sure they know I cannot be pushed around. Overall to answer the question, I need to feel the connection, the exchange of power and energy in order to fully let my submissiveness out.
Sasha: What do you look for in a Dom?
Raven: What I look for in a Dom is getting more and more defined. I will just list them out since I am asking for a lot! Intelligence, honesty, integrity, mutual respect, appreciation for each role in BDSM, a quiet force (a Dom needs to be strong to put up with me!), fairness, loving to learn, multi-faceted (i.e. has many interests), confidence but not cockiness, being kind to others and me, and interest in Japanese rope bondage and flogging are bonuses!
Sasha: Do you feel that being submissive is actually a power position?
Raven: It took me a long, long time to understand the power in submission. I’d say it along with everyone else but it never clicked. Until I read an article about the yin-yang qualities in D/s. (I wish I could remember it now!). Ultimately it came down to communication. If you thought communication was vital in vanilla relationships, it is even more so in D/s. The subs power is this–s/he has the power to chose to express concerns, desires, fears and wants. Or not. If the sub does not communicate, there is no power exchange. A Dom cannot direct, guide, or help that what he or she doesn’t know about. So, the most terrifying thing for some, to be completely laid bare emotionally, is precisely the heart of power exchange.
Sasha: Do you read erotic stories?
Raven: I do read erotic stories, both in books and online. It adds to my depth of experience and plants seeds for fun things to do!
Sasha: If someone told you they had submissive fantasies they wanted to explore, how would you advise them to go about this?
Raven: My first bit of advice to a person wanting to explore submissive fantasies is research first. Read articles, books, go to sites like alt.com, collar me, and bondage.com. There are a lot of predators out there and it is just not safe to start engaging in fantasies without knowing what you are getting into. Not to mention, sometimes fantasies are better left as just that. If you have a partner, try bringing it up to him/her and explore things that peak your interest. Meet people in a local community to ask questions, get to know who to stay away from and who is respectable. Find out about the ways to keep yourself safe. That is the ultimate key.
I was playing with a Shibari Master one night. I had known him and known of his reputation in the community so I felt comfortable with playing in his home. He had me naked, bound with my arms behind my back as I laid flat on the ground. Running a cold knife up my inner thigh, he reminded me that he could hurt me and no one would know. And he was right. But, I trusted him and knew him enough that I knew with everything I had that he would not intentionally hurt me. Ask yourself if you know someone well enough to be completely helpless and at their mercy.
This is not to scare anyone. But it is a typical mistake of people who are interested to jump in and try everything. And it can be costly.
Once you are savvy enough, there are unending possibilities! I think that people into the arts of BDSM are some of the most creative people around! Everyday house hold items are potential toys!
Sasha: There’s often talk about BDSM being a “Kink” or a “lifestyle”. How would you define the difference?
Raven: I think BDSM is both a kink and a lifestyle. For those I call kinksters, there is just a want for a ‘little spice’ so they practice bondage or spanking, etc. Kinksters can take it or leave it. For others, it is about the dynamic, the power exchange, the mutual service (yes, Doms serve submissives too!) and the bigger picture. For lifestylers, it IS who we are and it will always be.
The last thing I’d like to add is that education is fundamental. It’s amazing how much there is to learn about the lifestyle but do not be overwhelmed. If you can weed through the people wanting a quick fuck, then you will find a supportive, encouraging, intelligent community waiting to welcome you.
Sasha: Thank You , Raven, for being so open and helpful.
Here’s some interesting links and sites to check out if you have an interest in BDSM
CC says “Being able to communicate our needs, whether dominant or submissive, in an open and respectful way to each other is, in my opinion, one of the things that elevated a lifestyle relationship from the ordinary to something of exquisite form, beauty and wonder.” Read more about PROPER CARE here: http://www.thebrc.net/articles/CC/before_during_aftercare_cc.shtml
Kayla Kuffs writes many articles on the lifestyle, but this general one is my favorite. (www.kaylasniche.com/BDSM_essays/essay12.htm)
Into The Attic is a site those that are interested in exploring their own submissive side should check out.
I hope you find some interesting and helpful information. Play Safe!
