Sasha White

One Saturday afternoon, a guy was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at him, “You should be hung!”

He took a drink from his can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from his lips, lifted his darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

So every now and then when I do a contest, I ask people to send me jokes. This is what a reader named Julie sent me.

They Actually Said it on the Air … Actual comments from
sports commentators they wish they could take back.

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event:
“This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
during her warm up and it was amazing.”

Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely
horse and I speak from personal experience since I mounted her
mother.”

At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: “Ah, isn’t that
nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of
the Oxford crew.”

Metro Radio, College Football: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s
like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

US Open TV Commentator: “One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is
playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes
out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just
said?”

One day while passing a Nursing Home I noticed 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. “Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes,” he said. “They are retired prostitutes and they’re having a ‘Yard Sale’.”

Which would you call this??

Hey all, Busy days ahead, so I thought I’d entertain you with some pics each day so you know I’m still around, just not feelin’ real chatty with a deadline looming.

Like this one? There is more to come each day until Halloween!!

It’s Friday!! And October is rushing to a close. It feels like it’s rushing. Man, I’m somehow behind on things again. Where do the days go?

My brothers birthday is tomorrow and I still haven’t gotten him a present. I’ve been trying to think of somehting good, but if you were around last year, you’ll remember my brother’s a bti hard to buy for. I don’t want to get him gift certificates becasue I have a plan to get some of those for him for Christmas. Oh well, I’ll figure it out, I always do. :D

Also, galley’s for WATCH ME have arrived, and I’m going through them today. I love that my own stories surprise me at times. I wrote this story in January, so it’s a good length of time since I’ve read it. DId I tell you it’s about a married couiple? And that Samair, one of the secondary characters is teh heroine in TROUBLE? I find it a blast to see some of my characters and stories starting to tie together.

In other parts of my life. I’m trying to detox from pop again. This means headaches, adn last night I actually had chills! Maybe it’s more than detoxing the Diet Dr.Pepper from my system thats making me feel like crap?

OKay, here’s a joke to start your weekend off right. :)

This one is from Lynn:
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” He says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, And she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently..

Up to 80. “I want the car, too,” he continues.

85 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”

90 mph 95 mph ……….The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.

“Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the Bridge at 95 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”

Moral of the Story :
Women are clever!!!
Don’t mess with them!!

I recieved this in an email with the title, The Most Popular Man In Prison” *snicker*

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar –

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. “First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.”

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue — salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

….. In one second the sharp lime taste hits…
….. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
….. At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, “Holy S***, what do you call that drink?”

She smiles widely at him and says…. “Blow Job Revenge”

I’m pretty sure everyone knows Little Johnny. :)
This one sent to me from Chrissy.

Johnny was playing with his little train set, running it around the dining room floor “all you assholes that want on, get on, all you assholes that want off get off.
Johnny’s mother was greatly offended by his language and sent him to his room for a half hour. When his time was up, Johnny resumed playing with his train.
“All you ladies and gentlemen that want off, please get off. All you ladies and gentlemen that want on, please get on. And anybody that wants to know why the train is a half hour later, ask the bitch in the kitchen”

I knwo this shouldn’t be funny, but I thought it was.